With the advent of Trump’s presidency looming, women’s reproductive rights are once again being threatened by a potential new regime of Supreme Court appointees. I am tired of seeing citizens and statesmen debate abortions and reproduction rights again, when there are really simple answers to this challenge, so I am going to be proactive. This should never be a political debate.

There is no debate.

I own my vagina. I own my uterus. You own your penis. Men, keep it to yourself unless it is invited to visit, and there should be no problems. I have a way to save money, time and incessant chatter about what people do with their own bodies. Here is a solution once and for all.

Sex and reproduction come with certain societal responsibilities due to the financial constraints of potentially creating a new life and/or the psychological possibilities of destroying an existing life; that is the woman who is here and already living for those of you who don’t get it. Thus, since the anti-reproductive rights bastion has once again inserted itself into strangers’ lives, let us prevent expensive and lengthy court cases and psychological treatment and simply sign contracts before having sex…every time.

I propose a signed, licensed agreement every time a man has a consensual or non-consensual sexual act with a woman.  For consensual sex, he either signs a contract that he will use a condom or he certifies that he has had a vasectomy. Then he must sign off that he has visually observed his female partner utilize her birth control including confirming that she took her pill or that she inserted her diaphragm, etc. prior to the sexual act. There also needs to be a witness over 18 who signs an application every time someone wants to have a sexual act, even within a marriage.  (Look I just created new jobs too! Note the witness is for the application only).

In the cases of rape or incest the man needs to sign a contract stating that he knows that the act is illegal, that he is using a condom so the victim will not get a disease, that his wages will be garnished by the government indefinitely to pay for psychological therapy for the victim, her legal fees to prosecute him and all of her related medical fees. Further, he understands he will have his testicles and penis cut off and dried and that he will be required to wear them around his neck in a small plastic jar for the rest of his life. The Scarlett Letter has been changed to R.

Should my fellow citizens and congressional representatives also insist on an anti-abortion clause, the perpetrator must sign a contract that he will pay for every financial need of the child and mother in perpetuity, even if the child is adopted out to another family. (This will encourage more adoptions too if we can make it financially easier for a family to provide a home for a child).

Presently I have a team of engineers working on a Sexual Act Remote Registry. (I have hired on-shore Americans because I am trying to do my part to keep jobs here). Each contract much be scanned into the National Registry and approved prior to each consensual or non-consensual act. This way we will spend far less money and time in courts if everyone’s responsibility is clearly spelled out prior to consummating each sexual act. Should a rapist fill out the contract prior to attempting rape, the police will be alerted immediately to save the potential victim prior to the approval. The potential perpetrator who signs his intention to commit a crime will still receive a dried version of his penis and testicles for the jar on his neck…

One call does it all. Or click.

Get Uncle Sam’s arm out of my vagina. I appreciate the passion of the religious anti-abortion right, but yours is not the only passion, religion or set of beliefs in these United States, the land of the free.

My autonomy over my heart, liver and uterus trump your religious beliefs every time. I own my vagina.

To the real men out there in anti-reproductive rights land, you should spend more time and attention educating other people with penises to stop inserting them violently into women they grab on the street or their own nine -year-old daughters. You anti-reproductive rights supporters have completely missed the point.

Men are responsible for the pregnancies.

They are the ones who pushed their way into a vagina. You don’t like graphic? Well you throw it around all the time with baby killer pictures. You need to spend your time and resources teaching men to be Polite Penis Pushers. If a woman says “no” simply stop pushing your penis where it doesn’t belong. If you are trying to rape a woman, kindly take your hand off her mouth first so you can hear her saying “no.” And just let’s assume your nine- year- old daughter doesn’t really want or need to be introduced to the sex act by you, her father, or stepfather, uncle, brother, cousin or any male member of her family friends or circle of acquaintances.

In the event a woman used birth control and still got pregnant or she had a test result that showed that the fetus was at risk for any significant medical problem, or she simply doesn’t want to be pregnant for whatever reason SHE wants, the woman has the right to terminate the pregnancy. End of story. You do realize what it takes to bring a fetus to full term right? Well having had two successful pregnancies myself, I am certainly more qualified to speak on this subject than any male anti-women’s reproductive rights supporter out there so listen up. It is a huge responsibility to eat right, exercise, and curtail threatening activities, etc. in order to bring a wanted fetus to full term. If someone wants an abortion and you stand in their way, how are they going to bring a healthy life into the world anyway? Oh I guess you are planning to lock the woman up in a breeding house until she gives birth?

The truth is that no one can make any decision about any other woman’s reproductive rights except their own. The right-wing extremists have to understand one thing. You do not have the right to push your religious beliefs on anyone else. If you do not want an abortion, do not have one.

I think abortion is a terrible thing. I do not know that I could have had one under most circumstances. But I believe it is a personal choice.

I can support that choice without condoning abortions and therein lies the solution to this haunting religiously- based controversy that needs to end.

You, anti- reproductive freedom people are wasting time money and resources with something that shouldn’t be political sport to engage voters and get votes. It is not your business how each woman and her family deal with an unwanted pregnancy. It is not your privilege in life to make a rape or incest victim deal with a lifetime of pain based on your religious values. If you believe in God, then I am pretty sure that God can deal with the issue with each individual woman and her family, without you interfering.

So where do we go from here?

First if you are totally sold on still encouraging anti-reproductive rights legislature, I implore you to adopt a child. As I understand it older children, children with disabilities and bi-racial children are the hardest ones to find homes for, so why don’t you start there. You can also help bring down the cost of college, and raising a child and I may join you.

Then, let’s enhance our sexual education programs, teach abstinence and self-control but realistically teach it along with birth control. Let’s keep birth control affordable. Let’s teach more life-skill courses where teenagers spend a week caring for those cute, yet annoying baby dolls that give young people a real sense of the immensity of being a parent.

Then let’s encourage people across the nation, especially teenagers, to volunteer at rape crisis centers and orphanages. Let’s spend money on counseling and guidance and mental health to avoid rapes and incest in the first place. Most importantly, let us review our acceptance of  “sex sells” marketing, inappropriate presidential communication and the general rape culture and teach men to respect and cherish women.

It is frankly unbelievable to me that we are dealing with this yet again. We have more important and pressing issues to deal with like Climate Change and those natural resources that we are destroying at a rapid rate. You know keep it up and we won’t have a planet to sustain life anyway, so this will all be moot.

In conclusion, dear anti-reproductive rights supporters, your hands do not belong in anyone’s vagina other than your own and that of your wife’s, if and only if she consents and you sign the aforementioned contract.

And finally, to my fellow citizens everywhere, let us remember that you own your penises and I am pretty certain that I own my vagina.

2 thoughts on “ABORTION IS ON THE TABLE AGAIN? #PolitePenises

  1. Great editorial. I too have never been in a positon where I have had to consider an abortion and am very grateful for my charmed life. I do however know woman who have not been so lucky. I also know induced abortion has been around humans since figured out how babies have come about. If not legal they will be done illegally. It should be left as a legal option. I am quite confident that many people who want it illegal, have somone close to them that has had an abortion but would never confide in them because they know of their feelings. Imagine that person is someone close to you… a daughter, a sister or a niece, would you really want them having an illegal, unsafe abortion somewhere as they felt their back was against the wall?


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